Connection-based Parenting

Much of what I read in the Positive Parenting world is about connecting with our kids. Rather than give advice about how to "get" our kids to do things, advocates of this parenting style are trying to ask a better question: how can I do a better job of connecting with my kids? They realize, of course, that while short-term they can punish and/or reward their kids to manipulate them into doing what they want, but they also know that in the long term the cost to the relationship is too high (not to mention that nobody wants to raise a child to be an adult who is obedient and easily manipulated).

I just started reading Brené Brown's book "Braving the Wilderness." The entire premise of the book is that we are a connection-driven species. According to her research, loneliness increases our odds of dying by 45 percent. One passage stuck out at me as I was reading:

"When we feel isolated, disconnected and lonely, we try to protect ourselves. In that mode, we want to connect, but our brain is attempting to override connection with self-protection. That means less empathy and more defensiveness..."

Oftentimes, in my hurry to get things done (because it's getting late and we have to get to school or get to bed or get somewhere) I try to control and manipulate my kids to get what I want. I'm often surprised when it all blows up in my face, although I shouldn't be. If my children become disconnected from me, they have no choice but to go into self-protection mode. The only thing that matters in self-protection mode is them, not getting somewhere on time. Clearly, if I started with connection first, I would have a much greater chance of gaining their cooperation.

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Connecting with my kids to gain their cooperation requires a whole new mindset. As Nathan McTague points out on his blog:

"We’ve got to quit our addiction to Behaviorism.

It should be pointed out, for those of you who’ve never heard the story, that Behaviorism — a pseudoscience based on the notion that human behavior is a malleable commodity to be controlled and harvested for economic advantage — was designed to make subjects do whatever they were told. Not simply to do what was preferable, or intelligent, or kind, but anything that was commanded and associated with reward and/or punishment."

It would be all too easy to tout connection as the latest parenting trick to "get" your child to do what you want. The bigger picture, however, is that as a connection-driven species, we need to work harder to make sure that the most vulnerable among us does not lack connection. I think Nathan McTague says it best:

"When it comes to raising our children — we want them to know, and understand, and feel it in their bones, that we love, and value, and cherish them for no other reason than that they are."

For Further Thought:

1) Have you noticed your own feelings of connection/disconnection?

2) Have you noticed patterns of connection/disconnection in your family?

3) What gets in the way of establishing connection in your family?


For Further Reading:

1) Alfie Kohn at NYT:  When a Parent’s ‘I Love You’ Means ‘Do as I Say’

2) Visible Child: Finding the Right Question

3) Creative Child: Connection-Based Discipline

Always Learning

While reading this article on handinhandparenting about the illusion of control I came across an idea that I had never really considered before. The gist of the article is that there is so much we don't have control over in our lives, that we should set goals that are more reasonable, namely, that we should treat ourselves and our children as learners.

Often time I will give my children the benefit of the doubt - I know that there is so much that they don't know about the world, about what's socially acceptable, about what's expected of them. Instead of getting angry with them for not knowing the things that they don't know, I try take the time to gently teach them. 

I don't give myself the same benefit, though.

I'm the mom, I'm supposed to be in charge, in control, I'm supposed to know things. So much is at stake so I have to have the right answers at all times.

But I'm also new at this. I've never parented this child on this day in this situation before. So maybe it's ok if I don't have all the answers. Maybe it's ok to say, "I'm going to try this and see what happens," instead of second-guessing myself. It works out? Great! I'll try to do it more. It doesn't work out? Great! Now I know what doesn't work. 

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It doesn't matter how long you have been a parent for, or if you have parented a child of this age before, because every child is different. Sometimes even the same child is different on different days. If you can give your child the space to figure out what works and what doesn't work because you realize they are still learning, maybe you can begin to give yourself the same space too?


For Further Thought:

1) What does being a learner mean to you?

2) What resources do you have to support yourself as a learner?

3) How can you best support yourself when you're in a learning situation?

For Further Reading:

1) HuffPo: The Art of Parenting: Learning To Live at the Edge of the Unknown

2) Love, Joy Feminism: How I've Learned (and Unlearned) Parenting

3)  AhaParenting: Ten Steps to Unconditional Love