It's Not Working! 6 Tips to Tweak Your Parenting

You've picked your path. You're doing what works for you and it feels right. But how do you know it's working?

In an ideal world this question would be easy to answer. Your kids would be perfectly behaved, and there would be no need to second guess yourself. In the real world, however, your kids are not going to behave perfectly 100% of the time, no matter what parenting method you choose. Like us, kids are human. They are not perfect. They're going to mess up.

So how do you know it's working? I came across the Pareto Principle on AskMoxie, one of my favourite parenting blogs (I like it because she also has the attitude that you are the best parent for your child, which is also the title of the book she wrote). The Pareto Principle is also known as the 80/20 rule. In business, it means focusing 80% of your energy on the 20% most important things. In parenting, it means that as long as things are good 80% of the time, you can ignore the other 20% of the time when things go to pot. Read Kara at Simple Kids' post to learn more.

Sometimes, though things are not working even 80% of the time. Regardless of your parenting style, here are a few tips to tweak your parenting:

1) Change your perspective: Keep your expectations reasonable. Your child can't behave all the time. Try not to take it personally, and try to see them as someone who made a mistake and is in need of guidance rather than a malevolent being that needs to be taught a lesson.

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2) Remember the Big Picture: Sometimes they're just going through a phase. Take a deep breath and remember that this too, shall pass. Behavior is Not as Important as We Think.

3) Connect: if your child feels disconnected from you, they will be less likely to listen. Even 15 minutes a day of undivided attention can make a big difference.

4) Stay Calm: how can we expect our children to maintain their tempers if we can't? Children are more likely to listen when we can discipline calmly.

5) Keep it Simple: The less words you use to communicate, the better.

6) Mean what you say: If you say you're going to give consequences, give them.

For Further Thought:

1) How would you apply AskMoxie's take on the Pareto Principle to your parenting? What 20% of your life is giving you 80% of your trouble?

2) What do you love about your child? What things do you sometimes forget about them that make them a "good child?"

3) What "phase" is your child going through at the moment? What would be helpful for you and your child as you pass through this part of their life?

For Further Reading:

Love and Logic: It's Not Working
Janet Lansbury: If Gentle Discipline Isn't Working, This Might Be The Reason, Problems with Gentle Parenting and Common Toddler Discipline Mistakes
AhaParenting: Obedience: Why Do You Have To Tell Them Five Times? and 12 Ways to Get Past No
Not Just Cute: Six Ways You’re (Unintentionally) Telling Kids NOT to Listen
Positive Parenting Connection: When a Parenting Tool is Not Working
Huffington Post: 7 New Ways to Navigate Defiance From Your Child
The Genius in Children: Why Kids Listen to Parents or Don't

Book Review: The Nurture Assumption

It all started on Facebook, when a friend commented on an article I had posted about how parents can help language development by speaking to their children. My friend posted an article in rebuttal: The 50-0-50 rule: Why parenting has virtually no effect on children. This led to a lot of questions for which my friend did not have an answer, and so ended the discussion. Recently I read the book mentioned in the article, The Nurture Assumption, by Judith Rich Harris, hoping to find the answers to those questions.

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The book starts by discussing the difference between the words nurture and environment. She does a thorough history on how we have perceived child development throughout the ages, followed by a scouring review of all the evidence that science has collected in supporting the nurture assumption. I especially appreciated her discussion on the difference between correlation and causation.

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Once Harris finishes taking down all the bad science surrounding the debate, she proceeds to enumerate the different studies that exist in support of her hypothesis. She also gives a few chapters to discuss how children are really influenced by their environment, which is by group socialization. Finally, she discusses dysfunctional families. Surely, there must be some parents out there who are really screwing up? The evidence seems to say that there is a large genetic component to dysfunction, and again, most studies done can show correlations but not causation.

The final chapter is entitled "What Parents Can Do." It seems that beyond our genetic contribution, the only influence we have on our children is where we live and where we send them to school, which contributes to the type of friends they make. As to the idea that if parents have no influence then they can treat their children whichever way they want, she believes that while it may not influence the child, it does influence the relationship, and makes an analogy to marriage. "I don't expect that they way I act toward my husband today is going to determine what kind of person he will be tomorrow. I do expect, however, that it will affect how happy he is to live with me and whether we will remain good friends."

When I first started this blog I wanted to write about how parents can find a way to raise their kids that suits them. I didn't know if I would be able to do this idea justice since I am very attached to my method of raising kids, and I really believe in the precepts that I follow, not to mention that the parenting blogs I regularly visit have a lot of scientific evidence to support their points. This also often leads to a lot of agonizing over parenting decisions. While Harris' book does not convince me that parents have zero influence beyond their genes and environment (and I am not the only one, see some of the reviews below), it does make me feel like there is a wide range of acceptable parenting practices and that every little decision I make is not going to initiate a butterfly effect down the road.

For Further Thought:

If you knew that no matter how you raised your child, your child would turn out OK, what would you do differently?

Are there any tenets of the parenting philosophy that you ascribe to that you only follow because you're "supposed" to?

Would your life be different if it didn't matter to you how other people are raising their children?

For Further Reading:

A list of reviews on the author's website
Review in the Journal of the American Medical Association
Review by John D. Mullen, PhD
Review by Richard Niolon PhD
Review in the American Journal of Psychiatry
NYT Book Review by Carol Tavris
Is It True That Parenting Has No Influence on Children's Adult Personalities?

Scientific American: Do Parents Matter?

Newsweek: The Parent Trap
Commentary Magazine: What are Parents For?