Peaceful Parenting

While both Attachment Parenting and RIE have founders and tenets, this parenting style is so decentralized that it doesn't even go by one name. Peaceful Parenting. Respectful Parenting. Positive Parenting. Gentle Parenting. Natural Parenting.  Aware Parenting. The proponents of Attachment Parenting and RIE advocates would feel right at home in this style.

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Dr. Laura Markham of Aha!Parenting describes the principles of peaceful parenting as:

• Taking responsibility for regulating our own emotions
• Setting limits with empathy
• Understanding a child's behaviour before reacting to it
• Connecting with your child, especially when correcting
• Accepting all feelings with compassion
• Recognizing the importance of parental self-care

One of the most interesting things about this parenting style which is not stated explicitly in these tenets is that it is considered 'peaceful' because it does not involve punishment. Advocates believe that connecting with your child will allow you to teach your child right from wrong. While obedience to parental demands is not a part of this parenting style, its supporters will be quick to tell you that it doesn't mean that they are permissive. And for those who feel like this parenting movement excludes a faith-based parenting approach, there are several blogs that detail how to approach peaceful parenting from a Christian perspective.

From a personal perspective, I was both intrigued and skeptical about this style of parenting. However, after a lot of reading and using this style to parent, I find it suits my family's needs very well. It is definitely a very different perspective from traditional parenting practices.

For further thought:

How does this parenting style compare to compare to how you were raised? In what ways do you wish you had been more or less raised like this?

What appeals to you about this parenting style?

What makes you uncomfortable with this parenting style?

For further reading:

Peaceful Parent Institute: The Peaceful Parent philosophy

Respectful Parent

Jennifer McGrail: Gentle Parenting FAQ

Positive Parents: What is it? Why do it? But How?

RIE -Just Another Hollywood Parenting Trend?

Much like Attachment Parenting, RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers - pronounced rye) has had its fair share of critics. Vanity Fair wrote an article about RIE in which some people responded to by creating a straw man and denigrating it as the latest kooky Hollywood trend (I guess Attachment Parenting is passé). Because if those Hollywood people are doing it, it must be silly, right?

In reality, these two parenting styles have a lot in common. But where Dr. Sears took the observations of Bowlby and Ainsworth's attachment theory and created Attachment Parenting, Magda Gerber created RIE based on the observations of the pediatrician Dr. Emmi Pikler. After WWII, Dr. Pikler founded an orphanage. Given how institutional care can often be detrimental for children, Dr. Pikler sought out a way for the children to physically flourish and develop a healthy attachment.

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Gerber took the teachings of Pikler and founded RIE in LA where Janet Lansbury (the niece-in-law of Angela Lansbury) discovered it and blogs about it. While RIE and AP have many similarities, Lansbury outlines ways in which they are different. In short, while AP is about keeping babies in close contact (especially in the first four months, the "fourth trimester"), RIE treats infants as ready to communicate and participate as a partner in their own care right from the start. RIE believes that constant close physical proximity to your baby is not necessary for attachment, and that it can be detrimental to your baby's development.

So what is RIE really about? In a word, respect. While Lansbury has dedicated an entire blog to writing about RIE, she manages to condense it into 9 basic tenets:

1. Communicate authentically (use real voices and real words)
2. Invite babies to actively participate in caregiving, while giving them full attention
3. Encourage uninterrupted, independent play
4. Allow children to develop motor and cognitive skills naturally
5. Value intrinsic motivation and inner-directedness
6. Encourage children to express their emotions by accepting and acknowledging them
7. Recognize that children need confident, empathetic leaders and clear boundaries
8. Allow children to problem solve and learn from conflicts
9. Understand the power of modeling

While none of the tenets of either of these parenting styles directly contradict each other, parents who appreciate more physical space and independence might find RIE appealing. 

For further thought:

How does this style of parenting compare to how you were raised? In what ways do you wish you had been more or less parented like this?

What do you find appealing about this parenting style?

What about this parenting style makes you uncomfortable?

Do you feel more aligned with RIE or Attachment Parenting? Why?

For further reading:

RIE

The Pikler Collection

RIE -Basic Principles

RIE ...So, what is it?

A Beginner's Guide to RIE Parenting

Why RIE?

RIE vs. AP

My Problems with RIE and its response, Problems with RIE, Debunked

RIE Parenting, A Respectful Debate
How Attachment Parenting and RIE are different in Practice
If Attachment Parenting Isn't Working, Try This

Attachment: The Holy Grail of Parenting?

Being an attached parent is probably the goal of every parent. I don't think any parent strives to be detached from their children. However, much like the basic parenting styles, what constitutes attachment and how to achieve it are things that can cause a lot of heated debate. Attachment Theory and Attachment Parenting are two things that purport to answer these questions. A lot of the passion for this parenting style comes from the idea that those who follow it are better moms than those who are unwilling or unable to. I wonder where we get that idea from?

Source: Time Magazine

I'd like to start by talking about Attachment Theory. This theory was developed by Bowlby in the 1950s and followed up with research by Mary Ainsworth in the 1970s. After observing children Bowlby came up with the idea that infants, as an evolutionary survival mechanism, instinctively attached to a primary attachment figure and used certain behaviours to keep that figure in proximity. Bowlby's belief was that infants attached to a primary figure in the first two years of their life, that that time of development was critical, that disruptions to that attachment were deleterious, and that based on their experiences, infants would develop an internal working model that would determine the way in which they interacted with the world for the rest of their lives. Ainsworth added to this theory the different types of attachment that can develop based on the responsiveness of the primary caregiver: Secure, Avoidant, Anxious/Resistant and Disorganized. These categories were derived after watching how numerous children experienced separation from their primary caregiver in an experiment called the Strange Situation.

The limitations of the research are that it is observational. It also does not take into account things like temperament and personality, which some have suggested is more relevant than parental responsiveness. Further, this theory suggests that there is a critical period in which an infant can attach to a primary caregiver, when what we now know about brain plasticity suggests that it is more of a sensitive period, not to mention that infants are capable of forming multiple attachments. It also does not take into account cultural factors.

Attachment parenting developed in the 1980s. The term was coined by Dr. Sears who came up with 7 things a mother can do to develop a secure attachment with their baby. While there is a lot of research that shows that many of the individual things on the list have good outcomes, there is no specific research that shows that doing any or all of these things actually lead to a secure attachment. The 7 Bs of Attachment Parenting are: 

1. Birth bonding 
2. Belief in the signal value of baby's cries (understanding and responding quickly to cries)
3. Breastfeeding
4. Babywearing (carrying the baby in a sling)
5. Bedding close to baby (preferably in the same bed)
6. Balance and boundaries (knowing when to say yes and when to say no)
7. Beware of baby trainers (listening to your own instinct and intuition)

It's interesting that attachment parenting has become more about being physically attached to your baby as a means to develop attachment. I was also surprised to see that Balance and Boundaries was a facet of attachment parenting, when many people have written that the reason they could no longer function as an attachment parent was the lack of boundaries.

As with any doctrine, vocal fanatics turn something reasonable into something extreme. Attachment parenting is less a set of rules to follow and more of a mindset. The idea is to parent responsively -and generally, it is easier to be responsive to your child if they are in close proximity. However, it is still possible for a parent to be unresponsive even if they are following the 7 Bs to a T. One can just as easily mindfully bottle-feed a baby as mindlessly breastfeed. Attachment parenting offers some ideas as to what the term "responsive" means. 

For further thought:

How does this style of parenting compare to how you were raised as a child? In what ways do you wish you had been parented more like this?

What about this style of parenting appeals to you?

What about this style of parenting makes you uncomfortable?

For Further Reading:

Attachment Theory

Wikipedia: Attachment Theory

Simpy Psychology: Bowlby

Parenting Science: The Strange Situation
Aha Parenting: Secure Attachment: The Research

Attachment Parenting

Wikipedia: Attachment Parenting
Ask Dr. Sears

The Mule: Babies Don't Need Attachment Parenting, They Need Responsive Parenting

The Atlantic: What Everyone's Missing in the Attachment Parenting Debate
Behavioural Development Bulletin: The Benefits of Attachment Parenting
Aha Parenting: Attachment Parenting Basics

Parenting Styles

There's a lot that's been written on the topic of parenting styles. So much of what's been written (on any topic of parenting) is about laying out all the evidence, so the parent has no choice but to say, "Welp, clearly this is the best way forward, and if I don't do what they say my kid will end up...(a delinquent, a sociopath, emotionally damaged, fill in the blank)."

It doesn't matter what parenting style I advocate for; if you've already made up your mind on how you want to parent, nothing will change. If you haven't made up your mind, but you don't have the tools you need to change your parenting style, nothing will change.

There are many, many parents who will say, "Well, this is how I was raised, and I turned out fine, so it's fine for my kids." And it's not only very possible, but very likely that your kid will be fine. That's why I'd like to take a different approach to parenting. This is not going to be about your kids, about how they'll turn out, about making the "right" decisions. This is going to be about you. If you're happy with how your parenting is, if it feels right to you, good. If not, I hope to be able to point you in the direction of a parenting style that feels more real, more right, so that no matter what the outcomes you can feel satisfied with the job you have done as a parent.

When people begin to discuss parenting styles, they start with the work of Baumrind, which was later expanded by Maccoby and Martin. Their work has two criteria for parenting: demandingness (your expectations of your children) and responsiveness (how responsive you are to your children). They came up with four parenting styles that fit these criteria:

Neglectful: low on demandingness and responsiveness
Permissive: low on demandingness, high on responsiveness
Authoritative: high on demandingness, high on responsiveness
Authoritarian: high on demandingness, low on responsivness

Research shows that an authoritative parenting style has the best outcomes. It's interesting that what one person considers an authoritative parenting style another person will consider to be authoritarian. In later posts I will outline specific parenting styles and talk in more detail about parenting concerns.

For further thought:
What kind of parenting style were you raised with? How does this play into the way you would like to parent?
What worries do you have about how your child will turn out in the long term? How does this affect the way you want to parent vs. the way you actually parent?
What does having high expectations for children mean? Is there a difference between how you and society (your parents/family, friends, etc) think of high expectations?
What does being responsive to your children mean? Is there a difference between how you and society (your parents/family, friends, etc) think of parental responsiveness?

For further reading:
Wikipedia: Parenting Styles
Parenting Science: Parenting Styles
Aha Parenting: How to Find the Sweet Spot Between Too Strict and Too Permissive